


An Open Letter to the Person With Whom I've Been Engaging in Various Sordid Acts

by breed (weatherby)



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-09
Updated: 2009-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-04 07:10:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatherby/pseuds/breed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Open Letter to the Person With Whom I've Been Engaging in Various Sordid Acts, Including but Not Limited to Mutual Masturbation, Terribly Sloppy Oral Sex and Also There Was the Time That We Attempted Actual Intercourse Only to Discover It Was Horribly Awkward</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Open Letter to the Person With Whom I've Been Engaging in Various Sordid Acts

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a write-in section at McSweeney's called Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond. They are awesome, and I am just using the style. Written prior to Half-Blood Prince.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PERSON WITH WHOM I'VE BEEN ENGAGING IN  
VARIOUS SORDID ACTS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO  
MUTUAL MASTURBATION, TERRIBLY SLOPPY ORAL SEX, AND  
ALSO THERE WAS THE TIME THAT WE ATTEMPTED ACTUAL INTERCOURSE  
ONLY TO DISCOVER IT WAS HORRIBLY AWKWARD

  
Dear Satan,

During the lengthy duration of our so-called 'relationship' in the past six weeks, I've realised that you weren't quite as imperfect as I originally thought. I've learnt that you're actually worse and, consequently, I have composed a mental list of complaints. I assure you, Person With Whom I've Been Engaging in Various Sordid Acts, Including but Not Limited to Mutual Masturbation, Terribly Sloppy Oral Sex and Also There Was the Time That We Attempted Actual Intercourse Only to Discover It Was Horribly Awkward, there have been worse people in the world. See your Muggle-loving friends and relations for an example. Nonetheless, you have broken new records in your methods of bothering people, and they must be recorded.

1\. I imagine you know what's coming, but I don't intend to hold back in order to be unpredictable. During a particularly heated entanglement, as my hand crept into your robes, you moaned, 'My mum's going to kill me.' This would have been slightly less repugnant, if rather bizarre and psychologically damaging, had you been referring to the fact that it was _my_ hand quickly fleeing from the scene. But of course, that wasn't the case, was it? Actually, you were referring to the fact that you'd got detention for slipping a dungbomb into Professor Snape's demonstration cauldron. How nice to know that you manage to stay on task with such ease and grace.

2\. You borrowed my mint copy of November 1996's _Witch on Witch_ and returned it, pages wrinkled and an article torn out. Never mind the fact that this was the issue with a full spread of Celestina Warbeck enjoying a pillow fight with Gemma Snow. Never mind the fact that it was given to you with a protective covering. Never mind the fact that I specifically told you that you'd be murdered in your sleep if you spilt a single drop of semen on its pages. It is, of course, ridiculous of me to think that any of this would imply that tearing out articles was also against the rules. How silly of me to assume it went unsaid.

3\. When you found me sneaking into your dormitory to murder you in your sleep, you seemed surprised and screamed at the top of your lungs, alerting all of the people sleeping of my presence. Thank you, Person With Whom, for forcing me to explain why I was in your dormitory at half two in the morning with an empty candlestick. I enjoyed being accused of arson.

4\. The biscuits your mother baked for your birthday were hard and I threw them in the dustbin after eating one. Rather than apologising, you complained that I'd stolen your birthday biscuits. Do us all a favour and grow up.

5\. If I am ever again forced to listen to an oral essay on why Joey Jenkins is the king of the universe and ought to be appointed as Fudge's replacement, I'll throw myself in front of the Hogwarts Express come Easter holidays. Similarly, if you ever again turn my hair orange in your excitement over the Chudley Cannons winning a match, I'll shove you in front of it instead.

6\. Contrary to what you apparently think, ears aren't handles.

7\. You were offended to discover that I'm also partaking in Various Sordid Acts, Including but Not Limited to Mutual Masturbation, Terribly Sloppy Oral Sex and Satisfying Intercourse with a girl in my own school house. I fail to see why this meant that I a) was 'a slimy git,' b) deserved a fist in my stomach and c) would not, to date, be acknowledged again. You're not even the same gender. How does this relate to you at all?

As you can see, I've put up with quite a bit from you, so I don't think it's asking too much that you do something about these complaints. Until then, I shall remain

Waiting,  
Draco Malfoy


End file.
